Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
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I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.