@TEXASVETERAN: I'm always there for my friends when I need them.
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@koalaslament: put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
@zachreinert03: If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they're probably blacked out and just won't remember I stole their car.
@amishschool: My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
@brynnester: Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space? Me: Personal