I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
the noise i just made
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I think they could have phrased this better
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.