I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
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My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.