50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
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*uses ipad as a phone* Hey look at me i’m a hobbit
Lettuce is like that friend you only hang out with in a group with other friends.
“Hang out? Who else is coming?Ham? Great. I’ll be there.”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*
Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I see you from across the room and falter. My breath catches as my pupils dilate with desire.
You, a muffin, remain motionless.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise