My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
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Watch Forrest Gump
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I don’t believe in mythical creatures like dragons, unicorns, Lock Ness Monster, drama free women.
Just joking, I believe in Nessie.
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
A urinal! *pees in sink*
All I’m saying is that if M&M’s poured out of a person after you stabbed them, I’d probably lose my moral compass very quickly.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
*throws football at my head*