@TheSharona06

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

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@UncleDuke1969

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

@Green_EyedMama

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

@HomeWithPeanut

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

@thatUPSdude

I don’t believe in mythical creatures like dragons, unicorns, Lock Ness Monster, drama free women.

Just joking, I believe in Nessie.

@pplwtching

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

@andreeahluscu

All I’m saying is that if M&M’s poured out of a person after you stabbed them, I’d probably lose my moral compass very quickly.

@cydbeer

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

@AechErvin

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

@TheHatStore

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

@camelSWAG69

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*