I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Need WebMD
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.