I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
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I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
March 16
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.