im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
You Might Also Like
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
😂 amazing answer
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys