I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
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Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I love art.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.