I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
This is me
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.