I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
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My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.