I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

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*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?


Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks.
Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19.
Me: I guess you kind of get it.


[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name


[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing


therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book


They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes


My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink, until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.


My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.


BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light


“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review