@TheBoydP

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

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@KizerBillhelm

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

@theshamingofjay

Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks.
Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19.
Me: I guess you kind of get it.

@YuckyTom

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

@RandomRamblr

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

@pilau

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

@jazmasta

They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes

@HelenMaryMe

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink, until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.

@LeonInNewJersey

My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.

@fro_vo

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

@MichaelTrying

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review