I’m an avid indoorsman.

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[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?


Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”


My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone.

Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren’t poor. #iPhone


*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?


Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline

Me: Help please

Her: Ok sir. Let’s take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out



The Russian version of “How I Met Your Mother” is just a single episode showing a guy browsing a web page.


Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.


I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.


[mouse plane]

mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-

*mouse passengers squeal with delight*