[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
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Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone.
Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren’t poor. #iPhone
Just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline
Me: Help please
Her: Ok sir. Let’s take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out
Me: THIS ISN’T HELPING
The Russian version of “How I Met Your Mother” is just a single episode showing a guy browsing a web page.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-
*mouse passengers squeal with delight*