I’m an avid indoorsman.
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3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Lmao
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Doggies just call it style.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.