I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women