I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
me: my friends:
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
Now colored!
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult