i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Love this guy
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.