I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
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Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”