i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

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[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)


This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.


[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*


My husband still has my last name as “Tinder” in his phone so don’t tell me romance is dead.


Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.


Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.


How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?


I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.


A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.