@FredTaming

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

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@_ElvishPresley_

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

@OhNoSheTwitnt

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

@SavageAphrodite

My husband still has my last name as “Tinder” in his phone so don’t tell me romance is dead.

@recursivetaco

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

@sixfootcandy

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

@VerifiedJayy

How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?

@TrueTorontoGirl

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

@GlennyRodge

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.