i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
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I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…