i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
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Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
always be there
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
🇺🇸🤭
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”