My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
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“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Going into Monday like
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR