I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.
Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby
Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?
Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?
My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can’t even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus
This dude got his own movie?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”