@meatlobes

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

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@IfIwassomething

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

@TheRobCee

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

@kristencheeks

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

@RexChapman

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

@ProBirdRights

Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.

@Underchilde

I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby

Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?

Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?

@ilovepie84

My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can’t even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus

@Goofpoops

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”