For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
You Might Also Like
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.