@VVanGone

I’m around a bunch of people right now remembering why I don’t like being around a bunch of people

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@moose_chocolate

“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.

@david8hughes

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

@thedadvocate01

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

@freeDone01

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

@Petote

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

@MommaUnfiltered

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

@HlaoRoo

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

@k8ieokay

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

@brandonIee

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now