I’m around a bunch of people right now remembering why I don’t like being around a bunch of people

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“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.


On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.


My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.


My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.


*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *


This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.


NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.


Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*


Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:


Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now