I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
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You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.