I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
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I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.