I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
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American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help