I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
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seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER