I'm Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier?

Put a toy for babies on its tail.

YES

Coworker: What’s so funny

M: Twitter

Cw: Oh! I’m on there, what’s your @

M: I meant twizzlers..

Cw: You’re looking at your phone.

M:…

“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.
Lesson learned.

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