I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
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Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.