If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
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GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier?
Put a toy for babies on its tail.
Coworker: What’s so funny
Cw: Oh! I’m on there, what’s your @
M: I meant twizzlers..
Cw: You’re looking at your phone.
“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.