@LnL245
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
@Love_bug1016
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
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@LnL245
@TweetPotato314
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
@InsouciantMan
Recently had a cat-scan.
They didn’t find any cats.
@WheelTod
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
@ArfMeasures
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
@barryjohnharper
Wifi was down so had to talk to my gf.
She seems nice.
@3sunzzz
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
@BunAndLeggings
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
@ArfMeasures
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
@tweetsvisual
I like a good strong woman. But I prefer them not to be named Olga and bench press me in front of my friends.