I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
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My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES