I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
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Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Life with a cat in one tweet
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.