I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
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Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
New menu item
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.