I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
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18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet