I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.


I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.


Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while


Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.


FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.


COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?


One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.


The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco


I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.


And I thought I had issues. – Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.