My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
You Might Also Like
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
And I thought I had issues. – Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.