I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
You Might Also Like
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
long lost
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*