I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

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I’d probably have more friends if I didn’t answer every call with “Why did you save my number?”


People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??


Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?


WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!


I bet we’d have to say ‘The steaks are pretty high’ if a herd of cows ever got into a field of marijuana.


In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.


I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.


– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog


She might be Satan, but if I’m going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.