I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
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Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
hi why am I like this
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..