I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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