@Vice_Queen

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

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@Darlainky

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

@jxeker

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

@LoneWolfStories

That’s one healthy flower bed you’ve got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there?

-My attempts at small talk.

@gilbertjasono

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

@karanlyons

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

@YourDailyGroan

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

@Darlainky

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.