I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
You Might Also Like
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.