I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
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My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
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The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself