@Marlebean

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

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@GrantTanaka

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

@Discourt

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

@JessObsess

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

@mojo_bones_

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

@That_Damn_Duck

*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!

@2tickytacky

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

@Brianhopecomedy

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

@Book_Krazy

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away