marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
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I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!
Is this thing on?
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away