Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF