@SondraDeeMe

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

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@whatmaddness

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

@jazmasta

*starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*

@kelkulus

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

@armyVet1972

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

@MrGirlDad

My 3-year-old just said she hates me, but to be fair I DID cut her sandwich incorrectly.

@SouthendNewsNet

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

@TheRobCee

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

@truegritrumble

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

@_Water_Baby

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.