I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
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I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Thank you corporation very cool
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…