I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
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We found love in a hopeless place.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.