@VerbsRProudest

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

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@CM2BTTHD

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

@ArfMeasures

ME: *stuffs sock down my pants to impress my date*

DATE: I’m not that impressed

ME: I should have done it before you got here

@sashbv

*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break

@prufrockluvsong

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

@Michael1979

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

@lildandeli0n

I’m pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets.

@doctorveritas

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

@Cheeseboy22

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

@Spaziotwat

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating