I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
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The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.