I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
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Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”