What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.