@torieannesalt

I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out

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@13spencer

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

@HeyoShellz

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

@TheAndrewNadeau

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

@Christweetpher_

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

@Moanhamed

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

@ronnui_

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

@Reverend_Scott

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

@TitaniumToplass

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

@Shock_Monster

Her: I’m thinking of a number between 1 an-

Me: 69!

Her: …10.

Me:

Her:

Me: 6.9?