I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.
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“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night