I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.

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I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white


“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.


jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy


I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!


“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”


I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.


Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”


1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.


Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night