I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.