I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
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Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
huge if true: the moon
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]