I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
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so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD