if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
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My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭