@CaniacMONK

I’m at my most brilliant when the door says “pull” and I don’t believe it.

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@junejuly12

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

@hansmollman

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

@shatterpants

You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.

@cpsemple

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

@Mikecanrant

*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part*

*Turns to GF*

“You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code”

@FredTaming

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

@BlondAmbitionTO

I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: “Oh, bad move, I’d have done it this way…”

@Nawyourecrazy

Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.

*selfies*

@AllTheUglyTruth

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.