Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I’m at my most brilliant when the door says “pull” and I don’t believe it.
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ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part*
*Turns to GF*
“You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code”
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: “Oh, bad move, I’d have done it this way…”
Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.