“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
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We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?