I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
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“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.